Out of touch

Of birds, and bees and old goats.

MONDAY    The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that   her daughter was having sex.  Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.    The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.    Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.    The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug   her mother, saying,     "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!  I'm dating Susan!"

TUESDAY    A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.  He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.    Damned good!"    The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."    The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"    The preacher said, "No shit?"

WEDNESDAY    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.     With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem."    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.    "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "for me?"    "Just take two," Brenda replied.  "The rest are for your father."

THURSDAY    One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.    Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.    "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

FRIDAY    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa…    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.    Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.    High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that's the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

SATURDAY    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.    His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"  Bob replied, "Girlfriend?  She's my wife!"  They're knocked over, but continue to ask:  "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"  "I lied about my age," Bob replied.  "What?  Did you tell her you were only 50?"    Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."

SUNDAY    Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.    "These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."  She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"    A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours…!

The party of Trump

The art of the con

The mouth that roared.

If agent orange is true to form, this will probably NOT get him to shut up.

Glenn

Not a quick read

The "raid"

--
Sent from my Linux system.

Kansas to the SCOTUS 6: Drop Dead.

Am I surprised at the strength of the "Hell No" vote in Kansas? Yes.
Do I think that the MAGA crowd will claim that the election was rigged? Yes.
Do I hope that they try that? Absolutely!!
Careful with the snide replies. Remember that you're talking to a round-headed kid from Kansas. ;)

--   Sent from my Linux system.

The Trade

Mob bosses

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

•        I'm at the age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my sense of humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.
•        Getting older is like being a haunted house.  There are sounds and smells that cannot be explained.
•        Do you know how weird it is being the same age as old people?
•        You know you're getting old when you barely do anything all day, but still need a nap to continue to do barely anything.
•        You know you're old when you go to bed at the time you used to go out.
•        You know you're getting old when you can't walk past a bathroom without thinking, "I may as weel while I'm here."
•        I feel that there are a number of advantages to having gotten older.  I just can't seem to remember them, though.

•        I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.
•        Al told me I should embrace my mistakes... so I hugged him.
•        At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
•        I thought growing old would take longer.
•        I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.
•        I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.
•        Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.
•        Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
•        The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys and phone." Or, spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch.
•        A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume.
•        Oops.... did I roll my eyes out loud?
•        Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
•        If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're having a staff meeting.
•        I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.
•        Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.
•        My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
•        I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.
•        Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
•        Al told me he wanted to be cremated. I made him an appointment for Tuesday.
•        Measure once, cuss twice..
•        I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.
•        If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

Of dumb s**** and drag queens.

Artists take on MAGA's Hypocrisy, Elderly presidents, and more Drew Sheneman | Copyright 2022 Tribune Content Agency Gary Varvel | Copyright 2022 Creators Syndicate Rick McKee | Copyright 2022 Cagle Cartoons

Cockroaches, or crows?

Oh, Galileo

Steve Breen | Copyright 2022 Creators Syndicate

What a guy.

The difference, part 2

The difference

Also by contrast, he was ousted by his own party, not worshipped.

Reversals

Artists take on America's mass shooting epidemic, high gas prices, and more Steve Breen | Copyright 2022 Creators Syndicate Mike Luckovich | Copyright 2022 Creators Syndicate